they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
