i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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