shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
