So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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