ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
