My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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