i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
