Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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