i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
