No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
