I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
