i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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