Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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