Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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