Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
