You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i drank out of a bidet.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
