Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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