why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
