when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
