i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
