forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
