Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
