I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
