I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
