i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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