checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
