My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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