Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
