If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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