you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
FUCK WHALES
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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