That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
