I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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