I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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