life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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