things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Boobs speak an international language.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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