Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
