I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
