Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
