i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
