I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
