You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
