I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
