I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
