Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
