i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
