i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
