So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
