I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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