he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
