when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
